10/27/2000
I learned my mother was dreaming about me and talking about missing me. I'd been dreaming about my mother too. My dreams include nearly all of my family except my twin. In my dreams we are reconciled and talk easily. I think they reflect my recovery with my internal family.
I called my mother today. She was silent when she realized who it was. I told her that I sent her a couple of letters, but she never answered. She was silent. I got the impression she'd gotten the letters alright.
She demanded to know who told me she'd been dreaming about me and missing me. She admitted that was true, but said she'd only talk to me if I had changed my mind about what happened.
"...early November, Lady Byron took Stowe aside for an interview lasting many hours in which she confided the secret behind her separation from her husband after a year of marriage: he had committed incest with his half sister August and fathered Augusta's child Medora...She wanted Harriet's advice. Some publishers were about to bring out a cheap edition of the poet's work and in the promotion meant to revive the old story of Byron's having been driven to exile and death by the cold, mercenary heart of his wife. Should that wife keep silent any longer?...Byron had ridiculed his wife publicly during his lifetime...many of his supporters characterized Lady Byron as a cold and uncongenial wife. Her failure to respond with her own version of their separation had naturally given her husband's side of the story some advantage." Louise Barnett, Ungentlemanly Acts, writing about Lady Byron's dilemma, and Harriet Beecher Stowe's attempt to publish the truth, which nearly destroyed her reputation
My mother said she doesn't need any of my negativity. I replied, "I don't feel the need to be negative. When I heard that you were dreaming and talking about me, I thought you wanted to talk." Mom said, "I'm not ready." I asked her, "Do you want my phone # for when you are ready?" She said no.
She repeated several times, "Are you alright?" repeating the belief they've expressed over the years, that I've been sick all these years and just need to come to my senses.
She said she prays for me to get close to God every day. She continued to demand to know who told me. She snarled, "Did Cinthy tell you!?!" I said, "No, Cinthy doesn't want to talk to me."
There were 2 things she wouldn't let go of, who told me, and trying to evangelize and save my soul. I hung up.
I cried. I'm done. I've done all I felt the need to do, and got my answer. I can let the fantasy of reconciliation with my mother in this lifetime go.My husband and I went out that night and celebrated a happy life.
